Real Talk

So I don’t know if you have had this experience, but nowadays it seems that everytime you call a teenager because you want to talk and they don’t pick up the phone. And instead they text you back… and it’s annoying. I'm wanting to talk and have a conversation with them and instead they just text me back.

The funny thing is there was this one time I was talking with some teens and they were sharing with one another how they thought it was so annoying that when they texted their parents, their parents would try to call them back.

I remember texting with my goddaughter whom I sponsored for confirmation and she texted me, “Hey, I need to talk to you about something important. I’m really struggling with…” And so being a good sponsor and Godfather, I right away picked up the phone and called her. To which, she ignored my call and instead she just texted me back, “Hey, I don’t really like to talking on the phone, can we just text instead.” It wasn’t that she was busy or that she couldn’t talk, she just wanted to have this important conversation over text.

I think we live in a world that is afraid of real conversations. I see this not only with teens but also with some adults now. We prefer texting or email rather than a real conversation. We prefer to share our feelings on Facebook and Twitter rather than sharing our feelings directly with another person.

Sherry Turkle who is a researcher on “how technology is effecting our relationships” tells the story of an 18-year-old boy who told her, “… someday, someday, but certainly not now, I would like to learn how to have a conversation…”

So what’s so scary about a real conversation? I think it’s the fact that it takes place in real-time, and you can’t control what you are going to say. You can’t edit your comments until it says exactly what you want, you can’t delete other people’s comments. Real conversations involve real risk. You risk saying something wrong, you risk offending the other person, you risk not knowing what to say.

In this day and age, we are more connected than ever. I mean who knew that a simple video from Fr. Norbert would go viral and that people from all around the world would experience a little bit of the destruction of our church. But it did. Nowadays, it’s easier than ever to stay connected with loved ones living far away. We can follow their Facebook and you can like their photos. You can comment on their posts.

But here’s the thing we need to look out for… we shouldn’t mistake connection for communication and communion.

Brothers and sisters, we cannot be a Christian community without having real conversations. And this includes having real difficult conversations.

In today’s Gospel, Jesus teaches his disciples what to do when a “brother sins against you”. And even two thousand years later, I find it very good and practical advice.

Jesus says, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone.”

First of all, notice that he did not say, “if some stranger sins against you”, but rather “if your brother sins against you.” That means before all else, the relationship we should have with one another, is one of brothers and sisters. And not just any brothers and sisters but brothers and sisters in Christ. That is the relationship we must have with them first! The first step is always to have a relationship with the other person. Far too often, when we see something someone does that is wrong, the temptation is to just point it out or call them out. Instead of having a relationship first with them, we prefer to criticize from afar.

OK, say you have a really good relationship with the person, and he/she is truly your brother or sister in Christ, but they’ve sinned against you… now what? Well, notice that Jesus said if he sinned against YOU and not someone else, or not if you simply don’t like what they’re doing. He’s not telling us to become the sin police, but only if they are your brother or sister and they sin against YOU, then…

“GO and tell him his fault between you and him alone.” Jesus says, YOU GO to him.

I don’t know if you’re like me at all, but sometimes it’s like, “Well he knows what he did wrong, so he should be the one to come and apologize to me. I didn’t do anything wrong, he did.”

Or this happens also, Jesus says go and tell him alone… how often do we do that? Instead we do what?... We go tell everyone else but the person. We tell anyone who would sympathize with us who would agree with us. “You wouldn’t guess, what so and so just did… can you believe that? The nerve…”

No, Jesus says go to tell the person alone. Essentially what he’s saying is, go have a real conversation with your brother and sister. And he’s saying don’t wait, but take initiative. Because “if he listens to you, you have won over your brother.”

Now this is the key: we have real conversations and real conflicts not so that we can win the argument. No. Jesus doesn’t care about winning or losing the argument. Jesus cares about the soul of your brother and sister. The goal is to win over the soul. Just before this passage in the Gospel, Jesus mentions how the good shepherd would leave the 99 sheep in search for the lost sheep. The goal is not to point out to the lost sheep where he or she made the mistake. The goal is to bring the lost sheep back into the fold with the other 99. Back into communion; into the community.

Jesus wants us to have real conversations, even at times real and difficult conversations.

In your life, if there any broken relationships, or if you have been hurt in any way, I encourage you to ask for the strength and fortitude to have a real conversation with the person. To approach the person, not to simply point out faults, but rather to bring them back into communion and back into the Body of Christ.

Or if you perhaps don’t have any broken relationships, perhaps it’s time to simply have real conversations with the ones we love and with our brothers and sisters in Christ. Put away the distractions, put away the screens, and simply sit down with one another and have a good old face to face conversation. As scary as that can be, I truly believe that is how we will build the Kingdom of God.